I am a scientist

I have always admired scientists, the way one might admire a lizard. The great disc in the sky didn't bless me with abundant scientific prowess, and I've always thought of science that happens To other people. I don't have the patience for real science, or the meticulousness. I'd rather trust my intuition, and I don't want to control for variables.
I have, however conducted a scientific experiment of my own for several years, and though I wont be writing it up for any of the big name journals like PNAS(tee hee), I'll share the result with you. I have discovered, through painstaking research, this: when people tell you, while you're first getting to know them, that they are assholes, it is because they are assholes, and they want you to know. t