Why do elephants hate us?

Kenya, January, 2010- an elephant charged out of the brush at a group of hikers and trampled an American woman and her infant daughter, who may also have been American. The hikers were just out enjoying the day, when an unprovoked attack on their freedoms changed the world forever.

American news outlets quickly responded to the trampling by showing video of the attack, over and over, even backwards, continuously for about a month. “The elephants hate our freedom” wrote Bonnie Hedless of Newsweek. It is not clear if she was quoting an official or directly divining the intent of all elephants everywhere by means of some clairvoyance.

“This is the most vicious and brutal attack on an American citizen by an elephant that has ever been perpetrated,” said White house spokesman Jake Jakers. “We have formed a coalition of nations who will answer this outrageous provocation appropriately.”
It is generally expected that the US-led coalition will retaliate against the country of Kenya for abetting these attacks. “Kenya aids and harbors rogue elephants. You are either with us or you’re against us,” Jakers added. “We know if you’ve been bad or good.”
The US –led coalition is known to include the country of Great Britain, which is still collectively pissed for a 2006 incident in which a former girlfriend of Prince William was mauled by an elephant and received an insulting 800,000 British pound settlement against the landowner. Pedestrian and shepherd Ollie Wrinklesby of Stropshire commented “It isn’t right that hot women should be stepped on by animals. If that had happened on my land, I would have cut out my own bowels to make amends.” He then quickly added “But of course, sheep aren’t dangerous like that.”
“We’re gonna smoke them out of their caves, or whatever habitat they have.” Jakers said.